This past year has been no ordinary year.
On November 19, 2019–what feels like a lifetime ago–FE posted a blog entitled “Relationship Status and Older Men.” Relationships change over time. We decided to revisit the men who shared their thoughts in the November 2019 blog and do a follow up blog entitled “Sex and Mature Men: What’s Changed?”
The brief conversations upon which our initial November 2019 blog were based came from a simple request for information regarding relationship status made to a diverse group of male respondents. The request read as follows:
In a word or two describe the current state of your love life.
While the answers the respondents offered reflected their diverse experience, a few common themes stand out: most men are reluctant to speak in detail about their sex lives; aging presents challenges to sexual activity in a number of ways; challenges to satisfying sexual activity are not limited to mature adults; intimacy is an essential ingredient to sustained healthy relationships.
Here’s what they had to say about sex and mature men.
Relationship Status: Long term relationship with co-habiting partner
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Answer: Better than ever, better than I deserve at this age.
FE: That’s more than one or two words.
Answer: That’s how much better it is.
FE: What makes it better?
Answer: I thought this was just one quick question.
FE: Inquiring minds need to know.
Answer: I’ve gotten laid more in the last three years than I did in the previous 10. And that’s a wrap.
Relationship Status: Single/Divorced
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Answer: What’s a love life?
FE: That bad, huh?
Answer: Bottom floor of the elevator.
FE: The only way is up.
Answer: Exactly, but the shaft doesn’t run up anymore.
FE: So have you given up on relationships and sex?
Answer: I don’t see either in my future.
FE: Sorry to hear that.
Answer: Not as sorry as I am.
Relationship Status: Poly
Sexual Orientation: Fluid
FE: How so?
Answer: Can I say more than one or two words?
FE: Yes, you may.
Answer: With the internet and the growing embrace of non-traditional relationships, there are, as you might imagine lots of options and I’m enjoying sampling what’s out there. For years I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t be monogamous but I’m finding out monogamy was the problem, not me.
Relationship Status: Married for thirty years to same woman.
Sexual Orientation: Straight
FE: How so?
Answer: We got married when we were young, had kids early, we’re just now starting to know each other and it is very interesting to say the least. I love it. We were in a rut. I reluctantly went to see a counselor with my wife and we started talking about sex which is not something we had previously done. It’s made a real difference. We’re both open to trying new things.
Answer: Like my wife admitting after all these years that she’s bi-sexual.
Answer: She is free to have sex with other women.
FE: You’re OK with that?
Answer: At first I wasn’t but once my fears about losing her subsided, it’s made our relationship a hell of a lot better.
Relationship: Married for 18 years to same man
Sexual Orientation: Gay
Answer: Just keeps getting better.
FE: Please tell me more.
Answer: I’m not sure how much more you want to hear but just let me say this: whatever challenges we have faced that come with aging, the depth of our relationship more than makes up for them…and Levitra helps as well. We are partners in the full sense of the word and the older we get the more we appreciate what we have.
Relationship Status: Single
Sexual Orientation: Bi
FE: How so?
Answer: Drugs I have to take for prostate issues keep the bald headed champ down but sometimes other drugs, in particular Cialis, get him up off the mat to go another round or three.
FE: Are the drugs something you are willing to live with long term?
Answer: For the time being I am but I’m looking at less invasive procedures like Uro-Lift and Rezum—each promise prostate relief but each brings its own set of side effects. I’m waiting for more research to come out about their long term impact. Right now the only studies are those from the drug companies, can’t say I trust their findings, especially when it comes to my dick.
Relationship Status: Married
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Answer: I can’t put into a word or two.
FE: Take what words you need.
Answer: I never really dated before marriage, just hook-ups. My wife was my first real relationship. The sex was hot and frequent. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Then things began to change. The sex was less frequent, more routine and then got boring. So, if I had to describe my sex life in one word, it would be “boring.”
FE: So what are you doing about it?
Answer: Good question, my wife wants more intimacy so I’m trying to do that without always making it, as she says, about fucking all the time.
FE: How’s that going?
Answer: Hmmm….the jury’s still out. Check back in a while.
So, it’s almost a year later and we’re checking back as Evan invited us to do. This time we are beginning with two simple questions at the outset:
Sex and Mature Men: What’s Changed?
Here’s what we learned about what’s changed with sex and mature men:
Answer: Did I really say that about my sex life? If so, help me find a way to turn back the clock. I’m lucky if I’m getting laid once a month.
FE: What happened?
Answer: The pandemic hasn’t helped. It’s been one part of a number of stressful events from George Floyd’s murder to the upcoming election to my body breaking down that has made regular sex a distant memory.
FE: How has it affected your relationship?
Answer: Can’t say that either of us is happy about the current state of affairs on any level. We’re hoping that after the election we’ll see the return of an elusive erection. You can quote me on that.
On a positive note I’m writing a lot. I hope to have a new book out early next year.
FE: What’s it about?
Answer: Women and sex, what else? If I can’t engage in sex with a woman I might as well write about it.
Answer: Ouch! Rereading last year’s comments I can see how far I’d fallen. I joined a dating site and that was fun for a while but meeting new people is tough when you can’t actually meet them. But who knows? Maybe, if we ever get back to some sense of normal, I’ll be able to see one of the lovely ladies I’ve met online face to face.
From a dating site I went to online Sex Cams. I found that to be an intriguing experience but it turned out to be an expensive way to masturbate. There’s something wrong with paying to spank my own monkey, right?
FE: I agree.
Answer: Let me say this though, the elevator is no longer stuck on the bottom floor but the shaft is in dire need of some hands on resuscitation, preferably hands other than my own.
Answer: My sex life is still lively, maybe even more so given the challenges of CoVid. I’m still active on the internet. Skype has been working overtime.
FE: What’s been the biggest change?
Answer: In-person hook ups have changed. At first I was self-isolating like most everyone else. My initial breakout encounters were incredible. We were like starving guests at a sumptuous banquet.
I’ve had a lot of fun being creative with masks. Kissing has taken a back seat to other sexual activities. And the other activities have been quite satisfying. I’m a pretty oral guy, just have had to put body parts other than tongues into my mouth. That’s OK. It’s good to vary the intake.
Different Kinds of Sex During Pandemic
FE: I think I’ll say my curiosity about details for a later conversation. How have you dealt with the fact that CoVid is so highly contagious?
Answer: Being sexually active, I have always used protection and have had regular tests to make sure I wasn’t spreading anything. I’m doing the same thing these days but with added protection and more regular tests.
I’m having a blast. In all honesty, I think part of the pleasure I’m enjoying is enhanced by the isolation we’ve all had to endure and the risk involved with intimacy. With that said, I’m looking forward to returning to a more familiar normal which I know will be better because of what we’ve all been through.
Plus I’m looking forward to my first French kiss with the anticipation of a kid in middle school. I can feel a nice moist tongue slithering down my throat as we speak.
Answer: Wow! Nice to hear from you. Let me see, a lot has happened since we last talked. As I mentioned in November, my wife and I were in a great place. We were enjoying a new beginning to what had become a tired relationship. If you remember, my wife came out as bi-sexual and wanted to start seeing other women. I was a little taken aback but after talking it out, I was cool.
FE: I do remember, how’s that all worked out?
Answer: My wife starting to see a woman and it became a regular thing. Then she fell in love. Things changed between us. What started as something that we thought would kick start our relationship is now threatening to end it. She says she still loves me but is not in love with me. The woman I married has gone from being less interested in having sex with me to deciding she didn’t want to have sex with me at all.
From Bi to Lesbian
FE: What are you going to do?
Answer: I’m not sure what to do. We’re still living together but that is becoming strained. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming her for anything. She’s been honest from the get go. Even though I was afraid something like this might happen, I really believed her seeing other women would strengthen what we had. In some ways it has. We’re certainly more honest on a painfully deep level than we’ve ever been. But, we lost what little physical intimacy we had and now she is probably going to move out to be with her female lover.
Think about it, my wife has gone from being “bi” to thinking she’s lesbian. There’s not a lot of room left for me.
As I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Ironically, I’m the one who is seeing a counselor now and I’m going by myself.
FE: How are your kids dealing with it?
Answer: We haven’t said anything yet to our kids but they are beginning to wonder what’s happening with us. The virus has provided a bit of a cover for what’s going on. Hopefully, we’ll figure it all out. In the meantime, for the first time in my life I’m trying to figure out what I want.
This last year has been focused on what my wife wanted. Of course, if she heard me say that to you, she’d say that our previous 30 years of marriage have been focused on what everyone wanted but her.
My wife is happy. I’m not. We’ll see.
Answer: We’re good, still going strong. We decided to downsize so we sold our home and moved into a condo. Even though there’s less to take care of, we miss what we had. The combination of moving to a smaller space and the virus has meant that we don’t entertain nearly as much as we used to. That’s something we miss.
FE: Are you still traveling?
Answer: Plans we had to travel had to be put on hold. Regular trips to Mexico are still happening, though.
FE: And your sex life?
Answer: We continue to share a healthy sex life. Yes, the Levitra helps. We’re very fortunate and we know it. Having lost some dear friends over the past year, some to the virus, has made us even more appreciative of what we enjoy with each other. Fortunately, we have stayed healthy. Most important, our daily intimacy is as strong as ever.
Our relationship continues to flourish. We remain partners in every sense of the word.
Answer: You might remember that I was having prostate issues the last time we spoke and was up in the air about what to do.
FE: I do remember.
Answer: I decided to have the Uro-Lift procedure and it has changed my life. The pandemic delayed the surgery because the surgery was deemed “non-essential” which was a hassle. But the results were well worth the wait.
FE: Tell me about it.
Answer: First, let me say this. When a doctor tells you a procedure you are having is “minor surgery”, take that assessment with a grain of salt. Where it may be minor to him, it isn’t necessarily going to be minor for you. My recovery time was longer than expected and it took a while for the procedure to work it’s magic.
That said, I can now pee normally. I have regular erections without having to use Cialis (I keep it around as a safety precaution just in case) and I actually can ejaculate again. What a difference!
The best part, though, is I’ve been able to stop taking a variety of medications that were fucking up my sex life as much as the prostate itself. The drugs had harmful side effects other than impotence. I’d been taking them for too long a period of time.
No wait, let me re-state what I just said. The best part is that I feel normal. My body works like it’s supposed to. What a relief!
Answer: A year ago my wife and I were mired in a boring sex life. We started to make some headway but then the pandemic hit. We’ve been locked up with each other for what feels like eternity. As a result, things went from boring to bad.
FE: Sorry to hear that.
Answer: Don’t be. We read your blogs about Tantra Yoga and got intrigued to the point that we considered going to one of the workshops you wrote about.
FE: You’re being serious?
Answer: Yes, we needed to try out something new with people who knew what they were doing. That was a big step for me and for us. The virus forced us to put that all on hold, though.
FE: So what did you do?
Answer: We thought we’d find out what we could online and give it a try on our own. Couldn’t hurt, right? That’s when we read your blog. We felt like Deb and Tracey were speaking directly to us.
FE: Glad to hear that. Deb and Tracey will be very glad to hear it. So what did you learn from the blogs?
Answer: Remember when we first spoke, I told you my wife felt like everything we did was focused on fucking? She was not a happy camper. That’s exactly what Deb and Tracey say is the problem with so many relationships. People focus on the end result rather than on the way there. What worked for me was not working for her in any way whatsoever.
Now I’m not an old dog, but still, it’s hard for me to learn new tricks. My wife made it clear that I had to make a choice. If I wanted her to be happy in the relationship—hell, if I wanted to have a relationship with her–I had to learn some new tricks.
It took a while. First I had to get over my bruised ego from my wife telling me I was a lousy lover. But she was right. I was. Sex for me was “let’s fuck.” I needed to be more loving towards her. Hell, I needed to recognize that she has needs too. She wasn’t just my cum bucket.
FE: So what has your experience with Tantra sex been like?
Answer: Honestly, I’m embarrassed to admit how insensitive I was. You know I went through awkward first steps. What’s a clit? Am I doing this right? Where am I supposed to put my finger? Is this how you want to be touched?
Things got a lot better when I took steps to learn how to massage her body. They got even better when I stopped trying to use massage as a way to fuck her. That was the key: not doing everything just so I could get my dick wet. To be honest, I didn’t realize how selfish a partner I had been.
Fortunately, I learned some new tricks before it was too late. Both of us are better off as a result.
FE: What’s next?
Answer: We’re still a work in progress. But that’s the point, right? The joy is in the journey. Did Deb and Tracey say that or did I make it up?
FE: I think that’s a key part of a learning process that many people go through. Tell me one joyful part of your journey.
Answer: Now when we fuck, it’s actually more enjoyable not just for her but for me as well. As your blog says, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I was oblivious to her needs.
This has been good, thanks. Check in again and I’ll let you know how we’re doing. You sure I didn’t make that saying up?
FE: Let’s just say you put your own twist on it.
Answer: Good enough.