Dear FE,
I am a 38 year old woman. My husband of eight years, a man my same age, wants to invite a woman to have sex with us. We both get off on watching threesomes. Lord knows we’ve watched a lot of porn videos, but now he actually wants us to do it…for real.
I told him that I’m not interested in being sexually intimate with a woman. He said that I don’t have to be, that I can either join her in satisfying him or watch while he and the other woman do their thang.
M Husband Wants A Threesome
When I tell him that his desire for a ménage a trois sounds pretty selfish, he says it doesn’t have to be if I just give it a try.
And when I would ask him if he would consider a threesome with another man, he flat out says “hell no!” He then shuts down and stops talking. But, under his breath he says he might have to find a willing partner on his own. It’s something he does when I try to have a serious conversation with him about anything pertaining to his emotions and intimacy.
My Husband Wants A Threesome
Problem is, we love each other and, other than the threesome issue, our sex life is pretty damn good. So, we’ve rarely had any intimacy issues in the past that have called for “a talk.”
What would you do?
Thanks,
Fine With Just Him
From MK:
The problem is not about threesomes. It’s about the fact that the two of you are unable to discuss different desires in your relationship. So, a standoff results that sets up a dynamic where compromise does not seem to be an option.
My guess is you’ve solved some important problems during your eight years of marriage. I also guess that this is not the first time you’ve felt boxed into a corner about something.
What worked between the two of you when you were able to talk about a problem to a place where you both felt comfortable with the outcome? Is there any way you can replicate that process?
I agree with you that your husband is being selfish but not because he expressed his desire for a threesome. His selfishness lies in his refusal to consider your suggestion for a threesome involving another man. He’s also being selfish when he threatens to go outside your marriage to satisfy his needs when he doesn’t get his way.
I have to ask an obligatory question as to whether or not you’ve tried counseling. It’s much more accessible these days with online sessions. Maybe you can propose counseling with the understanding that you’re not doing it to talk about his desire for a threesome and you’re adamant “no’. Instead, your goal is to anticipate and solve future problems that are bound to come up.
You mention that you two have a damn good relationship, why not make it better by learning how to effectively communicate with each other? Doing so will probably make the sex better, too.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
From Ms. E:
The first question I have is this. What are the reasons why you don’t want to participate in a threesome given that you watch porn threesomes with your husband and really like it?
I have a second question as well. Would you really be open to a threesome with another man if your husband said ‘yes’? And, if he said ‘yes,’ would you then say ‘yes’ as well? Is there any harm in considering a threesome with a woman?
I agree with MK that the two of you should consider counseling. You need help to navigate your way through issues that involve sex. If he shuts down every time you try to have a serious conversation with him, then nothing will get solved.
I wonder how you’ve been married for eight years and resolved serious issues before.
Given that you have different desires regarding sex, you have to talk about it or else muttered threats will become real. Or, you will get tired of his threats and begin to detach yourself emotionally.
Let’s be honest. You can’t solve any problems if one of the partners threatens to cheat when they don’t get their way.
If you’d like to share how you would handle this situation, please send your response to [email protected]. We’d love to receive your feedback.
