Loving relationships are good for a couple’s mental and physical health. In Western culture, more than 90% of people marry by age 50. When healthy relationships blossom, they also benefit others around the loving couple, such as children, extended family members, and even friends; believe it or not.
However, about 40-50% of married couples in the United States divorce, suggesting that breakups (although not as well measured) may be just as rough as divorce. And the divorce and separation rates for subsequent relationships are even higher.
Why Do Couples Separate?
Healthy Relationships and the Language of Love
So what’s going on here? In some cases, couples may naturally grow apart. That’s okay, but there must be other factors at play to explain why separation rates are so high.
According to a study published by the National Institute of Health, reasons for divorce/separation boil down to a few factors.
The main reason, cited in 75% of the cases, was a lack of commitment. Next, found in 60% of report, was infidelity. Third, and found in 68% of sample relationships was excessive conflict and arguing.
Passion that may have once existed, simply fizzled out.
So, given the factors that work against healthy and stable relationships, how can couples maintain or rekindle their passion? We have a few suggestions for you.
Rekindling Relationships
Healthy Relationships and the Language of Love
Learn your partner’s love language
For many people, it just seems so obvious that if we love someone, we should tell them. So, we voice words of affirmation like “you’re beautiful,” or, “you’re special to me,” or the ever-so-common “I love you.” Our loving expressions may feel as if they’re all we need to do to convey our feelings of passion. Yet, research shows that this approach to love is one dimensional and can fall short of its intended purpose.
For some people, words of affirmation are their love language. But for others, communicating real love is a bit more sophisticated.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are four more love languages beyond “words of affirmation” and one or a few of them may very well be your partners.
Quality Time
One way to convey your love is to set aside time to spend just with them. Turn off the cellphones, don’t watch movies or TV, and have someone watch your kids. Quality here means you focus your attention on your partner – just them. Talk to significant other; ask them questions that gets them talking about or expressing their thoughts and feelings. For the partner whose love language is Quality Time, nothing can say “I love you” better than the undistracted attention you give them.
Giving Gifts
Now, obviously, we don’t mean bestowing gifts all the time. That would get old. But, for the partner whose love language is receiving gifts, it doesn’t have to be expensive for extravagant. A gift could simply be something you saw while you were out that made you think of them. Maybe it’s something they said they mentioned in passing, and because you listened to them, you got them what they needed. You showed through thoughtful action that they were on your mind.
Acts of Service
This one does not mean being a butler or personal maid, but it does mean doing things for your partner that help them out or assist them in some way. So – this love language is not necessarily to be confused with doing the dishes, or washing the laundry, just “chores” exclusively. An act of service for your partner could be something like, you see them working out in the yard and you bring them a glass of water or give them a wet towel to wipe their sweat. An act of service can also very well be something like vacuuming the floors, without being asked. Again, you don’t have to be a chauffeur service, your partner sees that you’re going out of your way to help or assist them.
Physical Touch
This one is very simple. Touch your partner. Don’t just pat them on the butt or squeeze an erotic zone. Instead, in moments either in public or private, skin to skin contact does wonders for creating some mild and regular sensual connection. And, if you want to go an extra mile, offer a massage, just the massage without it being a pretext for sex. For the partner whose love language is physical touch, telling them that you love them won’t mean as much as touching them that you love them.
Figure out which are your partner’s preferences and perform them regularly
Healthy Relationships and the Language of Love
Here are a couple of things that you need to know about the 5 love languages.
We may “pretty much” identify with all of the love languages, but generally, one (rarely two) takes precedent over the others. Figure out which one is your partner’s.
One way to do so is pay attention, especially during an argument, to what your partner complains that you’re not doing. Usually, that’s your clue right there that they’re subconsciously communicating to you what their love language is. You know, the times when they say something like, “you never listen to me.”
You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to please your partner. Usually, performing those actions will be small and obvious gestures. If your partner is more receptive to one over others, you know you’ve found it. When you know your partner’s love language, then you can then make a conscious effort to love THEM better.
Figure out your own love language of love
Awareness of your own love language is just as important. So, figure out what your own love language is, and communicate it to your partner. Tell them that when they do that particular thing, you feel the most loved by them. Often times in failing relationships, we speak a foreign love language to our partner. When you know your language of love, you can help them to know yours, as well. As a result, they can make a conscious effort to love YOU better.
Sexual Satisfaction, Passion, and Authentic Love
Healthy Relationships and the Language of Love
When you and your partner learn to speak each other’s love languages, you will see a difference in your relationship and in the bedroom. All of that social tension dissipates and turns into explosive sexual tension. The bedroom can overflow with a river of genuine emotions and sensations ebbing and flowing naturally between the two of you.
Remember when you were young and learning to express yourself sexually with another person? You experienced feelings of openness and sincerity that allowed for some of the best sexual sensations you’ve ever had, right? Well, when you grow up and mature, part of that maturation means that you develop a unique way in which you feel the most loved. And when your partner nurtures and stimulates that part of you that fills your love tank, that natural inclination to be open, fully present and sincere. You can express yourself in the truest sexual sense when love naturally follows through the both of you.
Love doesn’t have to be a mystery
You will realize that “rekindling your passion” isn’t this mysterious and daunting task that requires years and years of work, argument and conflict. Genuine intimacy can simply result from learning to communicate your love to each other that best reflects your needs.
If you start speaking your partner’s love language, there will be less fighting and more room for love, healthiness, and stability.
So, what do you suspect your partner’s love language is? What do you think your love language is? What language do you both speak through your words and actions? How is that working out for you?
Maybe it’s time to speak a new language, one that you on some level, you might already know. Maybe it’s just what your relationship needs.
